Click the break for the Scene by scene crap crackdown of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun li

This has to be the best part of the movie. It’s the capcom logo, plain and simple. The eye of the storm. You know shit is coming up. The movie starts off with a voice over of her past. My problem with the voice over narration throughout the movie is that it just sounds so cliché and a generic template for “mysterious sounding bullshit”. It’s trite and you can tell Kreuk is reading it off a piece of paper. What happened to you Kreuk? You were fine in Smallville! This is just more filler as the family sets up in Taiwan or something (I suck at geometry). I’m only including this picture to show Chun’s white mom which could MAYBE explain why adult Chun Li looks white and not chinese. It doesn’t explain why young Chun looks like a stereotype and suddenly, just like Kyo Kusanagi in KoF, Caucasionized herself at will. Her father realizes she has great ninja magic in her when she “walks quietly” and decides to say fuck the Piano, his daughter was going to become a Wu shu expert. He trains her as her mother, in such a terribly cliché moment, looks over them from the balcony. The only one it could be worse is if she said something like “This is such a perfect life” right before she dies. Now I’m convinced she said it off screen because in the next scene, shit goes down. I’m not surprising anyone when I inform you that the big threatening black man is Balrog. What’s he doing there? Well shit ain’t hard to figure out. If you come home and that dude crashes through your house laughing, you know you’re in trouble. And if you’re terribly daft: he’s here to beat the living baJeeebus out of Chun’s dad (do they ever say his name in the movie?). So Mr Li tries to fight him off and then suddenly! Ninjas appear! Ok they’re more like thugs but they’re wannabe ninjas. Now I was probably looking away from the screen, possibly at a large bottle of Pine Sol I was considering chugging, but when I looked back I saw him with the Vampire Killer whip from Castlevania or something but turns out he just used alcohol and a candle to create what might have been a yoga flame. Like in every movie, for a reason I have yet to understand, when the big boss bad guy comes into the room, people stop fighting. Really? If I was one of those thugs I’d be the one thinking “Oh shit! he’s distracted AND the boss is here? Quick! I don’t want to look like I’m slacking” and take the target off with a whack behind the head “Oh look boss I got him! Was that so hard mr I-don’t-ever-take-my-gloves-off?” Anyway, yeah, that’s M. Bison … Yeah, the most badass dictator in gaming history looks more like he couldn’t even land a job in the Office. Like any terrible villain, he leaves one person behind to avenge. Haven’t action montages taught him anything? I guess he had a good reason though. He wanted to use her as leverage to blackmail the Li man into working for me. I still would’ve killed her (without the father knowing) and just kept telling him “I’ll kill her if you don’t listen to me”. And when he asks “I want to know she’s safe!” I’d just smack him in the face with my Psycho pimp slap (Close standing Fierce). Hey! We’re now a bunch of years later and the plastic surgery went great. Mr and Ms Li, your daughter is now white. Congratulations! I guess she didn’t drop the piano for Wu Shu after all since she’s now playing at the conservatory. It’s a little stereotypical for an asian family no? Oh wait….this is based on the game with the indian chief, the black boxer, the indian yoga/fakir?, the japanese martial artist, the american tub-o-lard, and Bruce motherfucking Lee. I think we’ve gone beyond stereotypes a long time ago. But who cares, the game is too damn good. Funny tidbit: Did you know Rufus’ original design had him black and holding a tub of chicken instead of Popcorn? True story. That was scraped very early on and they made sure no evidence of it was still available (my source for this is 1up, please don’t sue me if it’s wrong). She finishes her recital and goes back to her dressing room where he jealous friend is all “Dayum girl, they be lovin you out der” and hands her a gift from “an admirer”. Is it just me or the line when her friends leans over and says “Wow it’s beautiful” just sounds like the fakest thing since Paris Hilton’s new tits? Anyway the gift is an old scroll which she can’t read; great job mom and pop, she can’t fucking read chinese despite her origin and living in China. Your only comfort is she ain’t on the pole. Looking at some of her moves, she’s close to it though. She takes the subway home and comes to the help of an old man getting bumrushed by some gangsters and a midget. As she helps him up, the camera subtly zooms in to the man’s hand where there’s a tattoo of a spider web (and when I say subtly I meant there’s a 300 pound nerd next to you in a Dare Devil tshirt winking and nudging you in the rib with his elbow). Geez, really? They zoomed into the the bizarre tattoo, I wonder if that will be significant at all in the rest of the movie!? Her mom’s dying. Word. Cut to Bison having dinner with the crime lords of Shadaloo (They say it differently in the movie but I refuse to perpetuate it) and nicely tells them to bend over and take it up the ass. Of course the crime lords, offended that he didn’t even offer lube, decline his proposition and bail. Pop Quiz! Q: In movies, when a whole bunch of criminals refuse the main bad guy’s offer, what happens to them? a) They all go out for ice cream and a round of putt putt golf. b) Orgy in the dining room and sweet sweet love is made in the mashed potatoes c) they all die horribly. Let’s see what the answer is! Hey you got it right! It was C! Granted B would’ve been for a much better movie but now we got Vega going after them and killing them off screen. I feel we got jipped on Vega. Even the Van Damne movie had a better Vega. You remember Jay Tavarre? Much better than Taboo from the domestically abused legumes. Here’s the thing though, how many of them were there? 8? Really? 8 guys couldn’t take one guy on? They are crime lords for fuck’s sake. Yeah he’s got a metal claw but while he’s slashing away at mr. Yakuza over there, you take your russian fist and and pound it into his spanish nuts. There’s 8 of you! He’s got one claw! And no good reversals! Vega is useless when cornered.

This is the introduction shot for one of the female leads and serves no other purpose than to let the very dumb audience know she’s a bad/kick ass chick. Because square broads don’t ride motorcycles. Oh if you haven’t figured it out by now, she’s supposed to be the eye candy of the movie.

Cue in the worst part of this movie (yes, what you saw before was nothing). This is the Shatner of this movie…Shatner without anything anything cool about Shatner. Basically just shat. Which is the past tense of shit. Again, that was for the daft readers. I’ve never seen someone overact like that. Hell, someone made a compilation of it! Check it out. Or don’t. You know, if you value your sanity.

Turns out in some shipping containers are the pussies crime lords who got taken out by Vega.

Oh hey! The Li man is still alive! Yeah turns out Bison was just using him to haxor the internets or something to take control of Gotha-…Bangkok. He trades him pix of his daughters for his work. Oh how he misses her.

She’s dead.

So Chun sets out to find the meaning of the scrolls and because an old dude won’t get out of the way, once again through a very subtle zoom (though this time, 300lbs man choked up some nacho cheese as he budged you).Some old chinese lady tries to act all mysterious but in reality looks about as mysterious as Frank, the guy who runs the comic book shop down the street who happens to sell Tarot cards right next to his pokemon cards and his gaming dies. Chun li (You forgot this movie was about her didn’t you?) must set out to find Gen from the order of the web. You mean that web tattoo had significance!? Bullshit! You clever devils!

Damn that’s a lot of cleavage for a cop. Other shit happens but it ain’t important. Something about Bison taking over the slums and expanding his evil empire but damn, those titties aren’t bad!

Oooh yeah. Look at dem titties.

So Chun decides to set out on her great adventure and for some reason, gets rid of her earthly posessions to become a bum. Funny, I don’t remember the old lady telling her she had to be poor. The order of the web won’t find her if she’s tanning at the Ritz?

Bison is admiring his lego blocks when Balrog tells him about his “White Rose”…could it be? Urgh…

Chun runs into some street thugs and decides to take justice into his own hands, so he dresses up as a giant Bat and…oh wait. Wrong movie. She tries to kick their asses. She succeeds but it ends more like a Double KO than anything else.

So Gen finds her. Oh wow, turns out it was the old guy with the web tat. Color me surprised. So what do they do? They fight! And yes. That’s Liu Kang playing Gen.

What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? Since when does Gen have fireballs? Did I miss something? Street fighter 1? Nope. Street Fighter Alpha(s)? Nope. Street Fighter 4? Nope! Why does he have fireballs now? I guess SOMEONE needed to show Chun how to throw Kikoukens…I guess you won’t see Gen with his ass up though.

Chun instantly gets wet in the trousers when seeing the size of his fireball and must learn how mash that shit! Of course her kung fu is weak! So she’s basically shooting Ryu’s QCB+P. It cuts to her in an internet cafe with nobody playing WoW or Starcraft and uses once again this thing I hate in movies; a computer with no OS. It’s like computers in movies only exist with a generic search engine and that’s it.

Anyway, it cuts  Bison’s henchbroad telling important business people that their families will be spared since they signed over a bunch of land. I’ll be honest, I’m only posting this screen grab because of the cleavage.

Then it cuts to Bison’s armored cars ejecting people out of their homes in the slums and taking over. Nash and Maya are trying to tail Balrog and to avoid being seen, he makes out with her. Goddamnit, when are people going to realize that people at the corner of the street in a parked car doing an express make out is fucking suspicious!? Of course Balrog is used to being chased so he loses them and goes to threaten some other guy to ensure Bison’s White rose arrives safely.

Now every great martial artist must practice blind right? While being assaulted by iron marbles? While your master attacks you with a sword? While you fall onto a rotary saw? Totally normal training.

So if it wasn’t obvious that she was supposed to be the eye candy of the movie, it is now. She walks around in a bra while talking about how she likes to live dangerously. Danger is her middle name I’m sure.

Annnd another shot of her just for the sake of having something decent to look at in this movie.

It cuts to Bison’s henchbroad in a bar telling her bodygards to go take a hike. Now somehow Chun li was about to figure out she was more of the Roller Derby type than the cheerleader type and seduces her. Oh please fuck in the bathroom. Give me this one Capcom. I’ve watched your movie this far! You owe me!

Damnit. They started fighting. And not the good kind of fighting with clothes ripping off, titties popping out, tubs of chocolate pudding appearing as they wrestle in it…Anyway, she divulges all the info and Chun runs off into…

The stripper room! Or the slutty dancer room at least. Here she is surrounded by dudes with guns and urgh…Maybe I should stop writing here. We would be better off wouldn’t we? I don’t have much of a choice…

Yes. That’s indeed a Spinning Bird kick. There is nothing more to say on this. Really. Even if there was I wouldn’t want to go into it.

This is what that bitch deserved for thinking with her …clit? instead of her head.

More of Maya’s cleavage as she and Nash search for Chun.

Gen tells Chun of the story of the young Matt Damon. Fuck you that ain’t Bison, look at him, that’s Matt Damon. Anyway, turns out he was abandonned, became a thief and then killed his girlfriend to put his conscience into his child…Is this the equivalent of the psycho power?

Balrog seemed to have magically found where Gen lived and sent not only ninjas but also a missile at it. You can never be too sure you know? I’ve always wondered what occasion would bring an evil crime syndicate to think

“hmm you know, ninjas might not cut it. Let’s stay safe and bring a rocket launcher with you. Just in case.”

I’m only putting this here because it’s by far the ugliest expression I’ve ever seen on film. Kreuk went straight from “I’d definately tap that” to “There aren’t enough brown paper bags on earth” in less than 2 seconds. That’s Bugatti fast!

Bison contacts Vega and asks him to take out Chun. So he creepily stalks her and after a very short fight Chun takes it and strings him up. No surprise there, it’s a 6-4 matchup in favor of chun, some would say 7-3.

Chun finds out where the White Rose is coming but Oh Fuck! It’s a trap! Man is that suit pimpin’ though. Bison is baaaallin’ in this movie.

Bison being the baller we just established, kills Chun’s father right in front of her. She manages to escape through some ridiculous fashion and Gen finds her in an alley passed out with a bullet wound. But fear not…

Gen now has healing powers! Those didn’t help you get nerfed to fuck in SSFIV you old leukemia son of a bitch. Fuck your ex waterfall kick.

Now they find out the real arrival time and location of the white rose and set up a small army to go get it.

…That’s Rose? The Gypsy-with-the-titties? That’s her?Moving on!

Gen and Balrog finally get their fight. Balrog is pretty much dominating him until he gets stabbed by a freezy-tube…thingie…Yeah, kind of cheap. Also slightly reminiscent of how Bennett dies in Commando.

I didn’t make up those subtitles. That right there is all genuine. Way to make the Lord of Evil sound like a little bitch. What happened to having no conscience!?

Bison st.RH’s Gen throughout both rounds. Seriously, no knee presses, no psycho crushers, no use of meters. Just out pokes him I guess.

So Chun’s turn to fight eventually rolls around and after some rooftop squabbling, bamboo stick hitting and other shit, she decides a very slow kikouken (possibly kikoushou) is her best shot. Bitch charges up slower than Goky does a spirit bomb.

Now this shit here looks mad painful. Seriously. She wraps her feet around his neck and lets herself fall, her weight and the force of gravity snapping his neck into an Exorcist-like 180. Fuckin’ ouch dude. Right in front of her daughter! Nash lets her run off without legal trouble as he takes care of the girl WHO JUST WITNESSED THESE PEOPLE MURDER HER FATHER!? WHY IS SHE GOING WITH THEM WILLINGLY!?

Blah blah blah, Maya has a slutty top and makes a slutty face at Nash. Urgh, how can any female with half a brain be attracted to him I don’t know.

Chun is reunited with Gen in her old family home and every lived happily ever after…until Super Street Fighter Turbo of course.

If you have any movie requests, go ahead and let me know.

I know the SNK community is quite adamant in their hatred of all things Capcom but seriously, this is even worse than Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.  And you know what I did? I watched it twice. In the same day.

That’s right. I watched it twice yesterday. Once for the novelty and the second time for the same of grabbing screenshots to post on here. I’m hoping my Valnotes will convince you not to get it and will save you the time and mental anguish of watching the current King of Turds.

Urgh. So here it goes, maybe going through the whole thing with you will be like therapy.

So the movie starts off with a somewhat gratuitous scene of Maggie Q, aka Mai Shiranui getting out of the shower. As she admires how flat chested she is for a female main character, her bluetooth headset starts ringing. As she puts it on you get a zoom into a drop of water about to fall but it stops.

Suddenly Mai is in some sort of Freezer in some gaudy outfit as if she’s going clubbing (Freezer + clubbing…maybe we’ll get the Blade Rave scene!). Right away the KoF fans are already puking as they wonder why she’s wearing that outfit and not something similar to her original outfit. They could’ve at least put her in red or something. Hell I’m still wondering why they chose the actress with the smallest tits to play one of the most iconic cleavage characters in video game history. I digress.

You find out she’s there to fight someone, someone who apparently is Mr Big but they never confirm it (although the Rattan sticks and coat give it away). They make some jokes as to why they chose this stage and something about choosing bad music last fight (oh oh oh they are trying to make references to the video game!).

After the casual chit-chat they start fighting. Well…kinda. It’s the most awkward choreographed fight I’ve seen in a while. I gave Tekken a nod for it’s fight chroreography but this … You don’t even believe they are fighting. Half the hits look fake, some you can see don’t even land, and some of them you can tell were done slowly only to be fast forwarded in Post Production.

The special effects aren’t bad. As you seen in Mai’s wheel kick and later on, I kinda liked the energy/firey effects. Anyway, Mai kicks the shit outof Mr Big, rams his head into a bunch of recylcing bins filled with snow and wins.

She grabs her victory trophy or whatever I guess and suddenly she’s back in her bathroom. The water droplet finally falls which is some not-so-subtle way of saying time was stopped while she was fighting. For some reason she cuts herself on her toothbrush or something, swears and we cut to a very James Bond-esque opening.

She leaves her appartment and her boyfriend meets up with her. She says something about moving on to the next round and you learn that this goofy motherfucker is actually Iori Yagami … wait, Mai is dating Iori? What happened to Andy Bogard? Urgh whatever. They leave for some party where Iori don’t need no stinkin’ invitation.

Cut to 5 dudes in a car with one geezer complaining about how he ain’t in Afghanistan. I won’t reveal who that old fuck is yet, I’ll let you be disappointed in due time.

Now Iori and Mai meet up with Chizuru who is hosting the little get together. Through what she says you learn she’s the head of the KoF Tournament and she congratulates Mai for being awesome.

All 3 go into the auditorium where the 3 relics of the clans are displayed;

• The necklace of the Yagami (fuck you, it’s a chainmail thong).
• The mirror of the Kagura
• The sword of Kusanagi

Iori goes into the story of how they used the power of the three relics to go into another dimension. Now it’s starting to make sense (well not really). They go into another dimension to fight. That’s where Mai fought Mr Big and that’s why time stopped for that water drop. Let me just rephrase this to make sure you grasp what is going on here: They are transported to another dimension to fight through bluetooth headsets.

You sure you got that? Yeah…I don’t blame you.

Mr Big gets owned hardcore and explodes by some mysery dude who makes his way to the auditorium. Cue the SNK boss Syndrome Darth Maul Rugal Bernstein.

He kicks the shit out of Chizuru before Iori and Mai interupt him. They knock him down and go check on Chizuru. Of course Rugal gets up and steals all the relics and runs off. Iori goes after him and the CIA goons from the truck come in to go after him too. If you hadn’t guessed by now, the old guy from the CIA is none other than Terry Fucking Bogard.  Oh man Terry…what happened to you…

Iori meets up with Rugal who offers him to join him, he knows what power awaits them. All of this in a voice worst than Christian Bale’s Batman voice from The Dark Knight. Anyway, Rugal smacks him around and runs off.

Terry and his crew meet up with Iori and they break into the room Rugal was barricading himself in. As they bust the door open you see Rugal getting sucked into the mirror with the necklace but the sword falls behind. Iori wonders why but the pondering if quickly terminated for the audience as Chizuru reveals it’s a fake and that Mai needs to find Kusanagi to find the real sword.

Mai goes to the hospital to visit the dude but turns out he’s catatonic and hasn’t said shit in 10 years.

That’s when his son comes in and meets him. Yes. That white douche is supposed to be Kyo Kusanagi. She explains the story to him and he just looks at her like she’s insane, apparently it’s much easier to be a douche to women when they don’t have sweater yams to oggle. She leaves disappointed and meets up with Iori.You get a flashback of Kyo and his father, you know, back when Kyo as japanese. I guess his sweet sixteen birthday present was facial reconstruction to be white. After that Mai comes back with Iori and Kusanagi dies of a heart attack when he sees Iori.

Cut to one of the somewhat redeeming factors of the movie, Vice and Mature training together and then trying to get it on in the locker room. Mature teases her around and starts kneeing her crotch.

I guess they’re dry humping. They both get a summon through their earpiece and decide to double team their opponent (oooh sexual innuendo).

Turns out their fighting outfits are nothing like in the game but I won’t complain. They look like roller derby chicks what with the leather and skirt. Speaking of roller derby, introducing his opponent….

Yes… that’s Rugal dressed like fuckin’ Casey Jones or something.

Blah blah blah, he kicks the shit ouf of them. He does cool fiery spin kicks and stuff and catches Mature in a choke hold. As he’s about to kill her, Vice begs him and promises to do anything he wants. Rugal agrees and forces himself on Mature which seems to bind her under his control.

Vice goes back to the real world and starts calling other fighters (fun little shout out to other characters on her phone book) and she tells them, in a terrible Valley girl voice I should add, that Rugal made the tournament better and they should totally do it. She feels terrible about doing it and gets summoned back to the Phone/fight world.

Mature ties her up (not for the first time I’m sure) and Rugal now has both under his heterosexual control.

Cut to the hospital where Chizuru and Scott (who the fuck is this guy) try to explain to Terry how the tournament works and he doesn’t want to hear shit about other dimensions and that sort of jumbo jumbo.

Mai gets into it with Iori and goes off with Kyo to try to explain to him everything that’s happening. He takes her back to his place and argue.

He lays a hand on her but she goes into DEFCON 1 or something and dislocates that fool’s arm. She helps him put it back into it’s socket and they get to talking about the tournament and the clans.

They all meet up in the hotel where they try to pile together everything they’ve learned. Terry tells Mai she’s off the case, turns out she was CIA too and Iori runs off pissed that she was an undercover brother agent.

At that moment he gets summoned by Rugal and is made to fight the lesbian duo who pummel him. Darth Maul tells him to give in to the dark side of the force and he summons the power of the Orochi to become Blood riot Iori (aka My Chemical Romance Iori). He quickly beats the fuck out of the Ace & Gary Vice & Mature and is sent back to the real world. He runs off.

Later on he confronts Kyo about his heritage and the clan history. Kyo says he doesn’t believe in that stuff and Iori gives him his earpiece  to see if he believes him now.

Kyo faces off against Rugal and gets his cracka ass handed to him in the most Scooby-doo esque fight scene ever. Rugal takes pity though and sends him back with an invitation to the others.

He goes home and gets the sword of Kusanagi. Yup, turns out that mythical blade that can kill anything was hiding under his bed.

In a stroke of genius, Terry stole all the other fighters’ earpieces. No earpieces no fights right? WRONG! Chizuru and Scott explain that Rugal is merging the two worlds together…wow, anyone having Mortal Kombat: Annihilation flashbacks?

Terry, Chizuru and Kyo go into the game while Iori is asked to stay behind since he can’t control the orochi. Scott beams them up and Iori sulks in his corner.

They appear together in the other dimension but Rugal separates them and fights with Kyo alone. He taunts him a bit saying it was his father’s favourite stage.

Mai and Terry get stuck against a horde of angry hobos and the two roller derby office strippers from earlier. Chizuru is on her own but she clones herself and orders her other selves to search for the relics.

Bored of the fight, Rugal starts driving fiery homeruns at Kyo. Yeah… I know…wtf indeed.

After getting pelted with half a dozen, Kyo gets his Harrumpf moment and slices through one with the sword. Apparently, Kyo getting lucky meant Rugal should stop what was previously working rather well.

He still gets his ass beat until Iori comes in and fights Rugal.

Again in a vain effort to inject comedy, Terry steals his signature hat from a bum. Great example for the CIA there Terry.

Iori gives in to the orochi again and starts throwing hadoukens and having blue fire around his hits vs Rugal’s red fire hits.When Kyo and Iori start working together, Rugal reveals that Iori is the one who destroyed Kyo’s father all those years ago. Kyo goes anal and starts fighting Iori who, still in the riot of blood, promptly kicks the shit out of him.Mai tries to stop him and holds him as Kyo hits him with the sword which makes the orochi leave Iori’s body. So now that every one kissed and made up they face off against the big bad wolf together.

Except this big bad wolf does more than blow. In fact instead he throws a rather large fire/schockwave at our heroes. Luckily Mai knows some ancient technique to create an electric shield. Weird she’s never mentionned or used this before. You’d think something this powerful would’ve shown up in previous fights no?

Chizuru gathered the 3 relics and using their powers  they can emprison the orochi in between them (as long as you don’t cross the streams). Unfortunately for Chizuru, Rugal uses fireball and it’s super effective.

Now at least we get Rugal’s Burning Kick effects back (which I maintain are pretty cool looking) as he faces off against the remaining stooges.You know what they say, if it fails, try again! The three little pigs gather up the relics and form a triangle around Rugal to capture the orochi once more.They succeed in making it leave Rugal’s body but the damn thing just peaked out like a prairie dog before saying Fuck This and went back in. He broke the sword and knocked these fools out. Except for Kyo of course. He’s white man, his people fought wars, he don’t have to take this shit!

Rugal uses FireWall. It’s not very effective. In a very Scott Pilgrim-esque moment, Kyo forms a new sword from his energy or whatever and breaks the fire.

He stands back and swings the sword in a lightsaber manner (it glows so he has to show off with it first) before tossing it at Rugal, cutting his ass in half. For some reason he spontaneously combusts. Sure, why not?

The last scene is the brady bunch by the water pier as Kyo sets a little funeral vigil for his father (I think…could be Chizuru, or Rugal…who the fuck knows). They get to talking and they plan on restarting the tournament. Goddamn people never learn their fucking lesson.

They all leave except for Kyo who is surprised by the appearenace of his father …who apparently joined the rest of the Jedi Council and became one with the force.

The movie ends with Iori looking all “grrrr” and shit. Yup. That’s it. Kusanagi says something I didn’t understand…mostly because I was tightening the noose around my neck at this point and then the movie ends.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with the barrel of a shotgun.

The community seems evenly split between the fans and the haters. I would like to take this post to address the haters. From what I was reading this morning on forums/blogs while I was looking for scans, the main hate seems to be that he “ruins” Batman by injecting his own type of humor/storytelling into it. This almost always leads to the supposedly rethorical question “how does he keep getting to write when he does such a piss poor job!?”. It’s actually not a rethorical question; he gets to keep writing because people like what he does and he pulls the numbers the publishers want to see. Whether or not you’re completely outraged at what he writes isn’t important anymore because other people enjoy it (present company included). So what if it’s not the dark gloomy Bats we know and love? Comedy hasn’t killed anyone yet (well….joker disagrees). Smith said it himself that this was out of continuity so why make a big deal out of it. Adam Carrolla always says you should ask yourself “Will this make me happy or make me money?” before you do something. Does whining about trivial shit like this make you money? If so then go ahead, by all means, you’d be a fool not to do it. Does it make you happy? Lord I hope not…saying this as a nerd who just wrote a big blog post on Batman, please go outside.

The thing is, the beauty of comic books is if you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it. I mean sure I know there are some fans who will read every single thing that comes out with the word “Batman” in it but if you don’t like this side story our precious Mr Smith is writing, just ignore it. It will go away I promise. Like a friend told me a few weeks ago

“The beauty of recycling is…I don’t have to do it if I don’t like it”.

Replace recycling with any activity you don’t like and you’re golden.

Now onto what I really wanted to talk about: What makes a Kevin Smith book? Again I’m new to this but as someone who enjoys his works on the big screen, it’s easy to spot his influences on paper and now I just want to have fun pointing out a few of them I noticed as I read his Widening Gyre series last night.

Aquaman “comes to Bruce’s” rescue as the oceanic wildlife warned him someone was in trouble. As it turns out all the dolphins heard was a woman screaming from the shore of a desert island. I should specify screams of a very hot woman, on the beach of a desert island, with Bruce Wayne. As you obviously figured out by now, the only danger she was in was sexual exhaustion.

During the books, Bruce gets closer and closer to this woman (I don’t want to go too much into spoilers), and at the same time, gets further away from Selina Kyle. You see her come back a few times trying to sink her claws back into her favourite playboy billionaire.

After a little Smith-esque back ‘n forth, Batman bails. An issue or two later, she tries again

You’re still wondering why this is still Smith-esque? The next page gives a pretty big hint:

Could you imagine Selina Kyle saying that with any author? In the last issue Batman and his new friend Baphomet interupt a fight between Deadshot and the Cat in question only to find out she orchestrated the whole thing for Bats to pay attention to her. She starts crying and shouts that she even wore all her old costumes for him. Let’s recap shall we.

• A discussion on whether Selina is a cougar (Happened in the few panels before the first scan)
• She does cosplay for him
• She’s not wearing any panties

That’s exactly the kind of humor I’ve come to expect from the writer/director. Hell you almost expect a scene with Bruce and Dick hanging out in the Batcave talking about anal or something. The next page after the teary eyed “I wore a mask for you, she never did that” Catwoman is one page that, despite not being a signature Smith moment, I still wanted to put in here because I laughed my ass off at this point.

I just love the look on Lawton’s face that just says “Yeah…I set myself up for that one”.

One of the most flagrant examples of another kind of humor that Batman is used to: His new girl’s nickname for him. If you re-read the first scan I posted, you’ll see Bruce explaining that she calls him Deedee. For 6 issues you’re left wondering

“Why in the world would the world’s biggest badass let a chick, no matter how hot she is, call him by such a girl name?”

Well, what if it wasn’t so girly? This page in issue #6 explains it all

If that doesn’t scream “Clerks” I don’t know what would. Unless of course her nickname for him was “37″ but that might be a bit too much, both in terms of obvious reference and also in terms of physical impossibility since it’s one night. Seriously…37 in one night…I don’t buy it.

Here is actually the one that seems to have the world riled up

After his first time with the batsuit against an explosion he squirts a few drops in his pants. Now apparently the fans think it’s ridiculous to bring down Batman to such a low level, but isn’t that why Batman is so damn special? Because he’s human?

Here’s what I think is the biggest example of Smith putting himself into his work

Playing with the idea of an @TheGoddamnBatman has to be the best thing ever. If you know Smith, he’s a Twitter king. It’s probably where he has the biggest following (see: Southwest incident) and will sit down at his computer and just tweet people for hours. Now that’s dedication. And now that dedication is put in comically in Batman. Man…@TheGoddamnBatman…I wish.

I want to put in one last scan which isn’t from Widening Gyre but from his previous work on the book Cacophony. I don’t think I need to explain this one at all

Yes. You read that right. Joker took a peak at the Batdick.

Edit: It was brought to my attention that I made a mistake and wrote Patterson rather than Watterson. My apologies.

Now I’ve learned that in video game movies, you have two end resulsts:

either a) The movie is so bad that it’s entertaining (Street Fighter the Movie)

or b) The movie tried to take itself seriously and failed miserably into something not even worth the download (Dead or Alive).

Once you keep that in mind and not expect a masterpiece, you’re pretty much ready for anything.

I came into this movie VERY skeptical simply because of all the crap I read about it, but thing is I tend to like bad movies. I get some weird enjoyment out of it so please, what you read here isn’t a review. It’s just my take on things.

I have to give them props for one thing, the characters looked like their video game counterparts without looking too ridiculous (except for Heihachi’s hair). Nina William’s costume was perhaps a little too much but it was exactly like it’s polygon basis, anyway she gets so little screentime in that costume that you quickly forget it. Otherwise, Eddy Gordo/Law/Raven/Jin/Bruce/Christie/Anna/Miguel and even Yoshimitsu looked the part. Kudos to the costume desginers.

Too bad what was in the costume wasn’t so great. I’m not sure whether the problem was their lines or their execution of them but damn did some of that shit sound corny and downright bad. Jin’s first line of the movie just sounds out of place, cliché and forced. One of Christie’s lines at the bar seemed like it was pulled right out of a 1980′s porn script (you’ll know which one when you hear it). Kazuya’s dialogue in general could be pulled some sort of “Evil Corporate Leader text generator”. The same goes for Heihachi and Jun. Just generic dialogue that fit their archetype (the old guy who fights for honor and the mother keeping her son/student away from the real fight) which we’ve seen a thousand times.

The worst part of the movie is definately the end fight. It’s lackluster, short,  and ends totally anticlimactically. I guess technically the big fight is the one you get moments before then (trying to remain vague to avoid spoilers before the break).

Don’t get me wrong, Tekken does have redeeming qualities (to some people such as myself). The fight scenes weren’t bad and visually the movie is actually kind of good. They’ve built a post-apocalyptic world and built it well. I liked how the terrain of the fight stage would change as if it were selecting a different stage in the game. You could also see some of the characters’ signature moves when they were fighting which is nice to the hardcore going “hey I recognize that ground tackle”. Luckily for them, the actor who played Eddy Gordo (Lateef Crowder) actually is a practitioner of Capoeira which made his moves look much more fluid.

The best thing about this movie though, and the reason why I’ll be buying this on dvd (probably used though, maybe not full price), is Christie’s ass. Every single pair of pants she wears dips down on the back enough to show ass cleavage and considering how hot Kelly Overton is, the eye candy in this movie is pretty damn good.

Yes I will be buying this on dvd. Hell, I already have Dead or Alive on dvd, can’t be worse!

I did go through the movie and screengrab a whole bunch of scenes to spare you the trouble of going through the movie and knowing what happens. Basically these are the ValNotes (clever word play on cliffnotes, ah ha!).

After the break!

The movie starts out with our hero Jin running through the slums known as the Anvil as he is shot by both gangs and “police”. It’s explained that the world fell to big corporations who run the continents and North America is run by Tekken, the biggest of the corps. Jin has taken to stealing Tekken merchandise and selling it to anti-tekken groups for some decent moolah. You see him sell what looks like a Thermal Detonator from Star Wars and buy what is apparently trafficked like drugs in these days: coffee, oranges and chocolate. He gets into an argument with his mother about entering Iron Fist, you get the typical “No it’s not good for you even though I used to do it but you don’t know that yet” speech. Jin runs off to bone some blonde chick who we never get a name for. While he’s off doing the horizontal salsa with blondie here, the tekken corp trace him down and kill his mother as revenge for stealing their shit.

Cue in the “I’ll have my revenge” moment where he decides this poor, alone thief will mary the princess and rule Agrabah…oh wait no wrong movie, sorry I meant he’ll take down Mishima and his evil corporation of evil evilness. But to do that he’s gotta enter Iron Fist and fight his way to the top (makes a lot more sense than just going after the dude and killing him). There’s one spot available and to get it, he’s gotta defeat the local champion: Marshal Law.

Law is a cocky motherfucker and if you listen closely, you’ll hear the fight announcers make the one mention of Paul Phoenix who lost like a bitch in 28 seconds to our new friend Law. The fight goes back and forth but of course, our hero wins and gets to enter the tournament, much to the surprise of Mishima and his posse.

Here we get a totally useless scene with Kazuya getting his freak on with Nina and Anna Williams before being told off by Heihachi for being a careless moron. The sex scene itself serves no real purpose aside from establishing Kazuya’s hetero-cred to balance off his mustache.

We then get a scene where the the seniors of Iron Fist make fun of the freshmen who just came in and Jin goes straight for Christie‘s ass. After horribly obvious-subtle flirting between the two, Jin is taken away by his manager (who we don’t know yet is Steve Fox) and gives him the flamer pants he wore in the game.

The next morning the tournament starts and we’re introduced to the characters in costume.

The first on stage is Raven, the ninjutsu expert, man that nigga looking trilllllll!

We then get Miguel Rojo, spanish stereotype extraordinaire.

He’s quickly followed by the Williams sister (screengrab is actually from much later in the movie but I couldn’t grab a clean one).Their slutty act is then met with everyone’s favourite Russian Sergei Dragunov.

The purpose of this next screengrab is just to show you a slutty blonde winking at the audience hoping to give the 13 year olds watching even more of a boner than they already have at the anticipation of violence.

Next is Eddy’s turn to enter the ring but since he’s black and we already have a black guy, he gets the shaft and has no entry scene. Instead we get some dialogue where Jin gets caught (and who wouldn’t really) starring at Christie’s ass and she warns him in her typical “ooh I’m flirting with your tiny-dick asian ass but I’m not going to just be blunt!” way.

Now look, I don’t want to pull the race card so early on (especially since I’m as white as Christie’s outfit) but come on. This is total Jurrasic Park syndrom. You have two black guys in the whole crew and what do you do? you have them fight each other in the first match. Quick and easy way to get rid of one.

Eddy gets his ass handed to him by Wesley Snipes and we move on to the second fight of the night. Jin gets to face off against Miguel after Steve gives him some advice about sweeping the leg Johnny or something.Jin gets careless and starts to lose, then gets a flashback of his mother and turns SSJ and not only beats Miguel and almost kills him by pummelling his face into the ground.

Christie congratulates him and gives him some of that passive-aggressive beratting. Also, her ass. Seriously, this world would be a lot better if chicks wore those kinds of outfits. Goddamn, just look at it.Anyway!

While Jin takes a shower Christie invites him for a night of illegal fun on the town in another one of her very niec outfits (don’t you think she looks like Bloodrayne right there?)

They go clubbing flirt horibly with each other, then make out while Christie grinds her ass and body against Jin’s prepubescent body. Also, that ass.

They sneak back into the tower and back into their room. But what is this? Someone wants to kill Jin? Turns out during their frolicking through the urban meadows, Kazuya found out Jin was his son and sent his two sexbot assassins after him. Nina and Anna in ninja outfits try to beat Jin to death but Christie comes in and…scares them off I guess.

The next morning, luckily for Christie, she gets to defend the honor of her new boyfriend by fighting against Nina in her first match.

After some “bitch my man ain’t your baby’s daddy” banter between the two, Christie comes out on top…mmh…damn that’s hot. Also, again dat ass. Next up we have the fight of Jin versus Yoshimitsu.

Scary motherfucker right there. Of course though if you remember Yoshimitsu, the dude…space pirate…ninja…guy always fights with his sword so it ain’t fair for Jin. He’s offered a weapon and they start fighting (I’m getting Dynasty Warriors Flashbacks at this point).

Yoshimitsu kicks the shit out of him at first, breaking his weapon. All the while, Kazuya betrayed Heihachi and put his old hairy ass under arrest. Kazura enjoys the rest of the fight expecting to see Yoshi eat Jin and shit out an egg kill Jin.

When Jin gets low health I guess his rage meter activated and after another flashback from his mother who seemed to know exactly who he would face 15 years in the future, he punches Yoshimitsu in the mask and that defeats him (it’s weird, I thought there was no chip damage in Tekken).

Kazuya then orders his jacks to arrest everyone and emprison them. He then explains to his brand new inmates that every fight from now on will be to the death. Jin offers to escape with everyone and Raven pulls his black moment of the movie and resists arrest. They see Heihachi in a cell and he offers to help. The purpose of this scene is only to show off Christie’s ass once again. They all escape, Raven gets shot one or twice, not enough to kill him but enough to build some street cred I guess.This is also the last time we see Anna or Nina for some reason. I guess incest in prison was a better deal than death.

They all run off to a safehouse in the anvil where Heihachi explains the family situation to Jin and how he saved his mother all those years back. The family reunion is cut short when Kazuya and his jacks arrives with guns blaring. Steve Fox gets a bad ass moment where he clobbers a bunch of the jacks with a pipe a-la Cody Ultra but then is shot down like a bitch.

It could be worse though, the next death scene is that of Heihachi who is a total fucking bad ass but gets executed like a punk fucking up a drug deal. At least he gets some sort of badass line before dying “I am Heihachi Mishima, I AM TEKKEN!”

For some reason they kill Steve but spare Christie (then again, I’d spare her life too….for a price), everyone left gets captured and the tournament goes on! Next match is Bryan Fury fighting Sergei Dragunov, to the death, with weapons.

Bryan obliterates him and breaks his russian neck with a barbe-wire laced metal chain. Hot stuff really. Now we get the Finals of the tournament: Jin, the people’s choice Vs Bryan, a fucking cybord, Fury.

At first Bryan just kicks the fucking shit out of Jin. Tossing him around like a red-headed step child. Of course, he’s a fucking cyborg. Yet again though, some fucking flashback from his mom (I’m starting to think Jun Kazama is Rose, bitch is a goddamn fortune teller!) which helps him recover from the brutal beating he’d been taking and fight on.

He knocks Bryan dizzy for a second and climbs atop the scenery to give Bryan a leap punch to the face that breaks his goddamn metal neck. Badass motherfucker right there.

Kazuya gets pissed off and decides to enter the fight, Christie screams no and gets bitchslapped.

Of course Jin is tired and what-not (not much of an excuse since he just fought Bryan fresh off of his fight with Dragunov) and Kazuya quickly gains the upper hand. As he’s about to strike  down upon Jin with great vengeance and furious Anger with his twin axes, Christie starts crying and throws a bitch fit up in the offices which causes Kazuya to become distracted.

Yes I could’ve chosen a better screengrab but I wasn’t gonna pass up another chance to show off Christie’s ass one more time. So that gets Kazuya to look away and Jin gets the fuck back up, they fight for like 20 seconds (as I said previously, worst endfight ever) before Jin takes over.

Jin takes one of his axes and slices him across the stomach. He goes to finish him off and shows him mercy saying the Mishima curse is not in his blood. He then walks off in some semi-badass moment where the slums start to follow him as Christie explains that it’s just beginning.

Really? Setting up for a sequel? They really think this warrants a sequel? Even the Tekken producers said it was shit! Maybe they are counting on people like me to buy the movie for the lol-factor and Christie’s ass (did I mention her ass before?).

Well that was it! The first episode of Valnotes. Now you don’t have to waste an hour and a half watching it! That’s alright, you can thank me later.

Monday (August 9th):

Still haven’t found anything that comes out on Mondays sadly so sip your coffee back and enjoy the work week.

Tuesday (august 10th):

Numb3rs: The Final Season

“NUMB3RS®is a drama about an FBI agent who recruits his mathematical-genius brother to help the Bureau solve a wide range of challenging crimes in Los Angeles. The two brothers take on the most confounding criminal cases from very distinctive perspectives. The series depicts how the confluence of police work and mathematics provides unexpected revelations and answers to the most perplexing criminal questions. STARRING Rob Morrow David Krumholtz Judd Hirsch Alimi Ballard Dylan Bruno Navi Rawat Sophina Brown Aya Sumika. 4-disc set features all 16 calculatingly thrilling sixth-season episodes plus great special features! o Cast & Crew commentaries on selected episodes o Behind-the-scenes featurettes”

Office of the Dead

“And you thought your job was bad… In a time when too many people are overly angry, Life Corp–a leader in the technology field–is working on groundbreaking technology that will make people happy. Ben Lau, a software engineer, has dedicated the last three years of his life to the Life Corp project, trying to make a difference in peoples’ lives. Together with Raj, his fellow software engineer, and Liz, his project manager, Ben conducts his final experiment, intended to make an unhappy person happy. But the experiment takes an unexpected turn for the worst–and the test subject becomes a zombie!”

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZQVFiwOZrg

Madden NFL 11

“Madden NFL 11 redefines the way you experience the game of football. Simpler: from 350 plays down to 1, the all-new GameFlow system puts you in the helmet of an NFL quarterback, to execute an authentic, situational game plan, one play at a time. Quicker: with 60-minute game times reduced to 30, spend more time on the field and less in the playbook. Same drama, half the time. Deeper: Madden NFL 11 is feature-rich, with improved animations and control options, enhanced online functionality, and new broadcast and audio presentation that delivers the NFL experience fans have come to expect.”

Wednesday August 11th

Birds of Prey #4

“The explosive first arc of BIRDS OF PREY concludes here! The Birds race against the clock to protect the Super Hero community, but can they make it in time and find their blackmailer? And the final showdown between Black Canary and White Canary is a can’t-miss fight between two martial arts masters!”

Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #1

“The explosive first arc of BIRDS OF PREY concludes here! The Birds race against the clock to protect the Super Hero community, but can they make it in time and find their blackmailer? And the final showdown between Black Canary and White Canary is a can’t-miss fight between two martial arts masters!”

Thursday August 12th

Slow day huh…

Friday August 13th

Scott Pilgrim Vs the World

“In Toronto, 23-year-old Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is the bass guitarist for the band Sex Bob-omb and has just met the girl of his dreams, Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). Scott learns that he must battle Ramona’s seven evil exes, who are coming to kill him, to finally win Ramona’s heart. As Scott gets closer to Ramona, his encounters include skateboarders, vegan rock stars, and identical twins. To stay with Ramona, Scott must vanquish all of the seven evil exes before they defeat him”

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NUBVcit5VM

The Expendables

“THE EXPENDABLES is a hard-hitting action/thriller about a group of mercenaries hired to infiltrate a South American country and overthrow its ruthless dictator. Once the mission begins, the men realize things aren’t quite as they appear, finding themselves caught in a dangerous web of deceit and betrayal. With their mission thwarted and an innocent life in danger the men struggle with an even tougher challenge, one that threatens to destroy this band of brothers.”

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6RU5y2fU6s

A carwash operated by Slave Leias and one lovely lady sporting the delicious ripped white suit Padme had towards the end of Episode II.

Pictures after the break to keep this blog still very SFW (no nudity, just very good stuff).

I’m just going to post a few pictures, the rest you can see on the original article here.

A shot of the lovely ladies and their imperial protection (with some help from a bounty hunter and a few sand people).

A very hot Padme in what could very well be the hottest Battle-Damaged Science Fiction outfit.

Good hard work for a good cause! (Make-a-wish foundation!)

Hard work doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself!

Come on, be honest with me…every boy reading this has imagined this before. More than once. This right there is a million nerds’ fantasy come true.

I’ll leave you off with a little video which …well speaks for itself.

Disclaimer;A little word to VickyBee for sullying the good name of this blog with such filth but in the everlasting words of Hedonism Bot “I apologize…for Nothing!”

If you’re not brain dead then you’ve seen it and mostly likely had quite a few questions about it. Was it all a dream? Who really got incepted? What was Cobb’s real totem?

Wonder no more, this guy’s post is the penultimate explanation to the movie. Yet he managed to keep the satisfaction I had of not having a simple/direct ending of the top falling or staying spinning.

Read on, it’s a mindfuck:

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/07/the_ultimate_explanation_of_in.html

Monday (August 2nd)

You got this post to look forward to! What more do you need?

Tuesday (August 3rd)

Tuesdays are DVD release days so what hot titles to look out for this week:

“KICK-ASS tells the story of average teenager Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), a comic-book fanboy who decides to take his obsession as inspiration to become a real-life superhero. As any good superhero would, he chooses a new name — Kick-Ass — assembles a suit and mask to wear, and gets to work fighting crime. There’s only one problem standing in his way: Kick-Ass has absolutely no superpowers.
His life is forever changed as he inspires a subculture of copy cats, meets up with a pair of crazed vigilantes — including an 11-year-old sword-wielding dynamo, Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) and her father, Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage) — and forges a friendship with another fledgling superhero, Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). But thanks to the scheming of a local mob boss Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong), that new alliance will be put to the test.”

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5mxBaXHcFw

“When a gifted ghostwriter (Ewan McGregor) is hired to write the memoirs of former British Prime Minister Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan), he quickly finds himself trapped in a web of political and sexual intrigue. Lang is implicated in a scandal over his administration’s harsh tactics, and as the ghostwriter digs into the politician’s past, he discovers secrets that threaten to jeopardize international relations forever. Co-starring Olivia Williams and Kim Cattrall, it’s a taut and shocking thriller from acclaimed director Roman Polanski (The Pianist).”

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2fdigfiHwM

Wednesday (August 4th)

Hump day aka Comic book day!

Batman Odyssey #2 (of 12)

“Neal Adams’s ODYSSEY ramps up as The Caped Crusader slowly but surely loses control. A dark presence lurking in the background begins pulling Bruce’s strings…who is responsible? This second chapter is a tour de force of action as the greatest crime fighter on earth displays his vicious combat skills. What else can you expect? Adams’s art at its best!”

Brightest Day #7

“There can be only one who wields the White Lantern…but is it truly Deadman? And what will happen when he attempts to charge the white ring? Meanwhile, Ronnie Raymond risks everything for Firestorm, Martian Manhunter uncovers more clues about the bizarre string of murders stretching across the country, Aquaman searches for the key to the ocean’s survival and the Hawks come face-to-face with the evil that lurks within the strange land known only as Hawkworld!”

Castlevania: Harmony of Despair (XBL arcade)

“Featuring the classic fast paced 2D, side scrolling action the series is known for, fan favorite vampire hunters from across the series will join forces to return Dracula, the Lord of Darkness, to his eternal slumber. Designed by the legendary producer of the Castlevania series, Koji Igarashi, Castlevania Harmony of Despair allows up to 6 friends to play together via online co-op story mode or see who the best vampire hunter is in Survival Mode, which challenges players to fend off their friends while fighting for their very survival. Utilize your co-op skills to explore the levels with your friends in order to find hidden locations with special items and equipment or team up in battle to let loose destructive attacks on the hordes of attacking creatures. With a plan for continued game content delivered through downloadable add-ons, players are able to experience new levels with new characters as they extend the experience of the latest Castlevania downloadable game.”

Thursday (August 5th)

New movies in theater!

“NYPD Detectives Christopher Danson and P.K. Highsmith (Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson) are the baddest and most beloved cops in New York City. They don’t get tattoos – other men get tattoos of them. Two desks over and one back, sit Detectives Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) and Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg). You’ve seen them in the background of photos of Danson and Highsmith, out of focus and eyes closed. They’re not heroes – they’re “the Other Guys.” But every cop has his or her day and soon Gamble and Hoitz stumble into a seemingly innocuous case no other detective wants to touch that could turn into New York City’s biggest crime. It’s the opportunity of their lives, but do these guys have the right stuff?”

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6WOoUG1eNo

Friday (August 6th)

Time to kick back and enjoy the weekend!

Alright, basically I don’t know if monday and friday have big releases like the rest of the week. If you know something that drops on either of those days let me know, that way I can add more than bullshit.